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My heart, spilled onto a website.
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Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. Alone, in this deceiving world. Betrayal is inevitable, & it comes from 95% of the people that walk into my life. I'm here because I'm seventeen & I have no idea where I'm going. My heart is bigger than anyone's that I've ever met, you won't begin to understand me, don't be fooled into thinking you can.
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| I don't know when you'll read this or if you'll even give two fucks what I have to say.. or if I still mean it by the time you read it, what have you. But right now I can't fucking function until I get this off my shoulders, call me crazed, call me stupid, call me naive for still even attempting to speak to you; maybe I am.
I just watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for the first time, & so much of it seemed to be a reference to my life & the short relationship of sorts that I had with you. I was falling for you because I had never met someone like you Jake. You were fucking different & you accepted me, just like Joel accepted Clementine. Clementine didn't read books, and wasn't into shit that Joel liked, it bugged him but he didn't let it ruin what he had with her. After a fight she erased him, and didn't look back.. which is similar to what you did to me. This passion, connection, w/e we had for each other was ridiculous & amazing all in the same, I don't care if you try to deny it now. I have been picking my brain and heart apart trying to figure out how someone I thought so genuine, so true to their actions could erase me; the one thing that made them happy after a life of shit; from their mind & heart. People have their doubts, I always have mine, but something was different with you & I would never erase what you made me feel, from my memory. It is a memory, and that movie pointed out indirectly something that so many people do, to run away from their fears, their heartaches, the what-if's & the could-be's. Two weeks was all it took for me to understand you to the farthest extent that I needed to. You didn't give me a chance to be everything you wanted me to be, all I wanted was to make you breathe easier in life and not have to go to sleep feeling miserable every night. You did for me for two weeks something no one has done. I can't fucking stand that I am sitting here writing this with tears in my eyes, I can't stand that you say "I'm sorry I hurt you". I do not understand and frankly, I don't feel like you have a good enough reason other than being scared of commitment, not knowing how to be close. I may be forward about closeness (like Clementine) but she didn't give up. She insisted he called, told him she'd marry him the first night she met him (again). She knew something was there, so I went ahead & opened up to you, because even though I'm hurting now, I would not go back & erase you, that side of you, that side of us.
It's not a matter of me crying every night; which I don't. It's not a matter of me moping around all day; because I don't. It's a matter of the heavy weight of necessary words that I needed to speak to you, to send to you... this anxious feeling everywhere I went, everytime you were brought up. It's a matter of saying what you want to say, so you don't regret not saying it later, and it's something my damaged soul wants me to do; it's something I need to do, sending you this message.
You are spontaneous, indecisive, confused, dependent & independent both, you are intelligent & affectionate, you say the most difficult & ridiculous things, but I adored every word that fell from your mouth. Although you think I did, I didn't overlook a word of what you said. You made me notice nature, the moon, shit that I never looked at before, you made me wanna live my life with eyes less blinded. You made me wanna reach out of my comfort zone, I was looking forward to every time I saw you, every breath I took near you. I would have been willing to happily sit next to you, be next to you doing anything & be perfectly content, appreciate whatever you appreciated, enjoy whatever you enjoyed; because you were a breath of fresh air in my life & I wanted to embrace each moment I could with such an amazing thing. It's like there's something I could do, to keep you closer, like I was reaching & still am but I just can't get to you. I have no idea why this means so much to me, but I won't sit here & "try to make sense of things", rather, I'll be thankful I had someone in my life make me feel so much all at once, and left me with so many unanswered questions. It's a blessing and loss all in the same, but I cannot change what's been said or done.
You want nothing more than a girl to complete you, live your life. I had to say this & I don't fucking know what I'm trying to tell you or what I'm even trying to convey here. Just take it in, you're the only person to understand whatever the hell I was ever trying to say. You're a beautiful guy & I adore you. Remember that, and remember I'm always a phone call/text/drive away. No matter what Jake, don't get rid of me.
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| Well, I don't blog on here much cuz I'm always on tumblr. I don't really feel the need to post long blogs on here if I have thoughts all over my tumblr. If I ever need to personally rant, I'll do it on here. I wish I had the motivation to write more, because I'm really good at it. I'm listening to Good Charlotte, my back hurts. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
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| Scratch that, you said we're night & day.. & we can't work out.
Not surprised.
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| it’s just like, i can’t get over this feeling of knowing that there is someone out there that thinks in such a similar way to me about so many of the same things. i’ve felt like such an outsider for such a long time, because nobody truly gets me. and now all the sudden, i have you in my life. all the sudden, my beliefs and ideas and morals dont seem crazy. they seem completely normal. i’ve felt like my brain was broken my whole life, and now for the first time i feel like everyone else is crazy. its such a powerful feeling, and i guess im having a hard time knowing what to do with it.. idk
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thats why im having such a hard time with this. i was so ready to give up. i was seriously trying to convince myself to just be single forever. to not even look for anybody. and then, out of nowhere, its like, my whole world is turned upside down. in a matter of a few days of knowing you, all the bitterness and shit is gone. i know i can be happy again. and im such a miserable person, that anything that makes me happy becomes like an addiction or an obsession. but the happiness always goes away. i honestly feel like it would be different with you. just knowing you. if nothing else ever becomes of us than being friends, just being able to see you and talk to you would make me the happiest person alive
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i dont see how not. i dont see how anyone whos had the chance to meet you, or be close to you, could just let you go i just cant understand why someone would give up something so beautiful and amazing
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you are perfect chelsey. and im trying to think of a way to describe how i feel, but honestly the words dont exist. there is no way to put this feeling in words. nothing can come close. the most beautiful words in the world would not do this justice..
The start of something new. You reached over & grabbed my hand, we sat there in silence, in a comfortable silence while our hearts raced. “Where are we?” I asked, as I broke the silence, which formed some humor. You ran your thumb back & forth across my hand, I felt amazing. We embraced, you kissed me on the cheek, & I returned one. The best part of my night. The following day, we saw each other again. Laid there & laughed, & talked. Then you kissed my cheek, I kissed yours back. We got close & you asked me what I was thinking. "how bad I wanna kiss you." & We kissed, a passionate kiss, an amazing one. You make me feel whole. I feel like I'm in a dream, I don't know how to handle it or how to get used to it.
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| Misunderstood.
Judged.
Betrayed.
I've recently met someone, who has taken the time out of his own life to listen to me, to understand every word I am saying, and to interpret it any way he can. I could sit here & try to explain it, but now that I think about it, there are no words. I've never felt like someone sincerely cared when I spoke, let alone listened. I felt of importance while I talked & talked, and he gave me reassuring nods & feedback the entire time. We both want all-encompassing love, that is so intense, that's it's all you want. All I've ever wanted in life is love, just fucking love, amazing unconditional mutual love with a man. And he wants the exact same thing with a girl. We explained to each other that neither of us would care if we were dirt poor, as long as we had that one person with us. I want to be so deeply & irrevocably in love with someone, and have that in return, more than anything in this world.
"Let's try something."
We sat & looked at each other, I feel like I learned a lot from Jake today. I've never had someone want to have a connection with me, or even be cool with sitting & having a conversation with me. I can't remember the last time I had an intellectual conversation with someone who was just as intelligent as me. I spilled about my life to this boy, about why I would never hurt someone, about how bad it hurts me when my loved ones hurt. Jake feels my pain when I speak of it. It's one of those things I can see in his eyes. When I told him of my heartaches & lost friends, he has a look of compassion because he understands. Maybe he hasn't been betrayed as much as I have, but he has enough to understand.
Do you understand how fucking good it feels to be understood? I could say I'm scared of the future, and that all my friends are disappointed in me for talking to another guy after I've been proven time & time again that guys are worthless. I'm not going to though. Just because I've got the shit end when it comes to guys, that doesn't mean that this will be the same. It very well could be, though...but I live a life of no regrets. I love the feeling of finding someone who thinks exactly like me. We don't just share morals & thoughts, it's the way our mind works. It's the way even our closest friends can't understand us, but we understand each other. It's a beautiful thing. I caught myself staring at his lips while he spoke to me today, I listened & stared. I don't know why. I like the way his mouth moves, I like the way he speaks. I like that I feel like this could be the light at the end of my tunnel.
I like that I'm not being forced into anything. I like that we both tend to go with the flow instead of forcing something. Things should happen because they're ultimately supposed to, not because we're trying to form a connection that's not there. The connection is, I'd say.
I feel righteous. My conversation was liberating today & I still feel like I've got nothing off of my chest about it! There's so much I want to say. Fuck. No one is going to read this anyways.
"the only way i can describe how you're different is like, when i look at people in general, they are all black shapes. but you're like, solid white. the rest of the world is so out of it, but you are someone who knows what's real. the way you think and the way you are is like no other i've ever met. you make me feel 1000 different ways at once. you make me feel like gold. i've never felt that before. idk. its complicated. haha"
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